This is what happens when you reply to spam email | James Veitch

What happens if you respond to spam emails? Laughter.

Turns out, if you have a sense of humour, you might just entertain yourself and millions of others by replying spammy to spammy emails. Comedian James Veitch has been replying to spammy emails with ridiculous twists and he shares one of this experience here. An experience that lead to the funniest email ever. It starts like this.

He receives an email from 'Solomon Odonkoh' that goes like this:-

Hello James Veitch,
I have an interesting business proposal I want to share with you, Solomon,

And then he responds with something we always want to do

Solomon,

Your email intrigues me.

With that, the game was kicked off. So now, Solomon uses his turn to write

Dear James Veitch, We should be shipping Gold to you. You will earn 10% of any gold you distributes.

James replays with:-

How much is it worth?

Solomon was like:-

We will start with a smaller quantity of 25kgs. The worth should be about $2.5million.

James, sarcastically

Solomon, if we're going to do it, let's go big. I can handle it. How much gold do you have?

Solomon:-

It is not a matter of how much gold I have, what matters is your capability of handling. We can start with 50kgs as a trial shipment.

James:

50kgs?? There's no point doing this at all unless we're shipping at least a metric ton.

Solomon:

What do you do for a living?

James:

I'm a hedge fund executive bank manager. This is not the first time I have shipped bullion, my friend, no no no.

Now. Where are you based? I don't know about you but I think, if we're going via the postal service mail, it ought to be signed for

Solomon:

It will not be easy to convince my company to do large quantity shipment.

James:

Solomon, I am completely with you on this one. I'm putting together a visual for you to take into the board meeting. Hold tight.

James again:

Solomon, Attached to this email you will find a helpful chart. I had one of the assistants run the numbers and I have discovered an undeniable correlation. I think it is clear that we should be shipping as much gold as possible.

Solomon:

I will be so much happy if the deal goes well because I am going to get very good commision as well.

James:

Excellent. What are you going to spend your cut on?

Solomon:

On real estate, what about you?

James:

One word; Hummus. It's going places. I was in Sainsbury's the other day and there were about 30 different varieties. Also, you can cut up carrots and dip them. Have you ever done that Solomon?

Solomon:

I have to go bed now. Till morrow. Have a sweet dream.

James:

Bonsoir my golden nugget, Bonsoir.

It doesn't stop here, this conversation goes on for weeks and James takes it to another level of ridicule and the desperate spammer compliance accordingly.

So James asks Solomon to use some sort of code for security reasons. The code was like this.

  • Lawyer: Gummy Bear
  • Bank: Cream Egg
  • Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle
  • Claim: Peanut M&Ms
  • Documents: Jelly Beans
  • Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard
  • James: KitKat

So finally James did it, he received this email after a couple of back and forth to ascertain the codes above.

The business is on. I am trying to raise the balance for the Gummy Bear so he can submit all the needed Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans to the Cream Egg for the Peanut M&Ms process to start. Send $1,500.00 by a Giant Gummy Lizard.

That got me, lol. Thanks, James.

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